Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
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You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
hardest line in real life
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.