Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

Can’t. Being lazy.

It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

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The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.