Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

When life hands you women, make women laid.

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

We’ve come full circle

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare