Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
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my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
broke down and did it
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
How dude HOW?!
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.