Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
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Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
This rocks
Every work call, he judges.
