Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

Donating blood today to make room for more food

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?