Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
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Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
kids play hide and seek like
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
when you don’t want to be too vague
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys