Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
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You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Pretty much! 😂👀
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Pat is about to own someone
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Lmao 😁
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.