Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes,  I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.