Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
You Might Also Like
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Warm pools make me nervous.
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
The dark side of Canada
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
first you must answer his riddles
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate