Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

I think we should hear other voices.

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.