Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
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One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too