Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

shazam but for random noises outside

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.