Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
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It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Sniffing the broccoli
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
OMG 🤣🤣
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
my dad has had enough
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.