Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

The human personality is made of five key elements

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*