Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus Christ lmao

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

why is everyone yelling about nude ears

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

Bruh 😂

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds