Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
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Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
That’s commitment
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The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”![]()
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
doing some research
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I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.