Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door