Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
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Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast