Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
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I have many caverns
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Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
me, too, girl. me, too.
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You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”