Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
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– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Imagine having a party on purpose.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.