Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

Looking at you, Jesus.

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside