Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

As a doctor, I can confirm

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11