Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

I didn’t mean to gain weight

It happened by snaccident

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

Netflix and you sit over there.

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them