Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”

-me, explaining why I can’t move my back

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.