Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

“Je t’aime” = “I love you”

“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”