Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

[Outside ER]

Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”

Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

adding to the discourse