Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.