Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
You Might Also Like
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
😂 amazing answer
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
i think both sides are to blame here
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭