Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

god: okay the day that is happening now is called today

angel: *writing* ok

god: and the day that just ended is called terday

angel: terday?

god: yes terday

angel: *writing* ok

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*