Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
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I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning