Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
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Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.