Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
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If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.