Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

Reporter: *ports again*

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

Teacher: Name the continents

Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…

T: Go on

Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?

T: *sigh*

Me: South Arctica?

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.