Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?