Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
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Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.