Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
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ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.