Today’s Times
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Ooops wrong house😂😜
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
