Today’s tshirt
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I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.