Today’s tshirt
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Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Duck typos.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
could’ve been anyone
and this one
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me