Today’s weather from Yorkshire
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.