Today’s weather from Yorkshire
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
😭😭
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
Remember folks 😂
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life