Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

*bites zombie*

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.