Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
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my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.