Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
You Might Also Like
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory