Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

crazy