Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
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My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
what does he know…
Don’t forget to tip your server
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.