@JimmerThatisAll

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

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@TheWidowmakerX

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

@allthatisbecca

I knew I was in trouble when the lady doing my nails shouted “WHO DO YOUR EYEBROW?!”

@IamEveryDayPpl

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

@zachreinert03

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

@AnOrangeSNES

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

@abbycohenwl

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

@RobbyRob313

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

@AmberTozer

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog