Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

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Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without


I knew I was in trouble when the lady doing my nails shouted “WHO DO YOUR EYEBROW?!”


Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…


Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now


WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.


[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.


I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos


I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation


When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.


“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog