Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
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Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Still a very good boi….
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.