Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
You can’t rush stupid.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.