“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Day 2 of my diet
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
