“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
