Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
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when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?