Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
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I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
The United Steaks of America
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda