Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
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If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Hoping to spice up my evening
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
how high up are we talkin’?
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Lucky old June.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?