Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
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me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
The Others (2001)
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards