Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
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I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?