Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

I hate my earbuds.

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

Horrifying if literal: shit storm