Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
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The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.