Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
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Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
You have been warned.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.