[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Simple
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
At least try to make it slightly believable
sweet dreams💖
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Meow
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
