[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
My boss called in sick of me
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
British people
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
