Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day