Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”