Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

Pretty much. 🤣

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.