Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?