Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

honestly, i need both:

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

damn he’s good

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.