toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
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Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
This is me 🤣🤣
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)