Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym

cashier: you’re at a bakery miss

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

🥴

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.