toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

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I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.


While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.


[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather


me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak


People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.


My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them


I wonder which woman said….. “yep I’m gonna put it in my mouth and see what happens.”


What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings


[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off


I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts