@iwearaonesie

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

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@robin_991

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

@DevilryFun

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

@ArfMeasures

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

@scant_alpaca

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

@noog

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

@SortaBad

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

@SouthrnPinUpMom

I wonder which woman said….. “yep I’m gonna put it in my mouth and see what happens.”

@rogueMUGA

What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings

@david8hughes

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

@Adam14

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts