Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

out-housing market appears to be strong

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

Goodnight 🐶