Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

◾️

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.