Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

i spent way too long on this

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them