toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
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The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Mornin
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.