Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones